On The Eve Of 30

Tomorrow I turn 30.

30 doesn't exactly feel old, but it definitely doesn't feel young either.

I have this weird corn on the top of my foot that won't go away, no matter how much I lotion it. My hips ache. I have chronic back pain. I like to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I love cardigans. I read the news. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I adult... I get excited about things like standing mixers and throw pillows. I feel like the next decade is definitely knocking at the door.

And yet, as I stand on the threshold of 30, I feel compelled to pause and reflect. Where have the last 30 years brought me?

I always wanted to be a ballerina. I was pretty good at one time, too. Ballet institute, eat-sleep-breathe ballet, hard-core training good... not quite good enough though, and that has always made me just a little sad. I get an ache in the pit of my stomach when I watch dancers, imagining what my life would've looked like if I had been just a little better. 

I always wanted to be a mother, too. I am very thankful that of the two dreams, that's the one that came true. It's a lot harder than anyone tells you (and you probably wouldn't believe them if they did, anyway) - but somehow I feel like I was created to be a mom. I cannot believe that I have been entrusted with these two precious lives. I am afraid every day that I am going to completely screw them up. Loving them is a privilege, and one I don't take lightly.

Thankfully I've been lucky in love. I have a great partner in life, who loves and supports me, and I him. I am thankful that we found each other early on in life. We've spent a third of my life together now, which just sounds bizarre said out loud. He is my home and safe place. He makes me laugh. He makes me coffee. He brings home flowers. He doesn't sleep quite right if I'm not next to him. He is my love.

I've learned that friendships are dear. I've learned that it is the quality of the friendship that matters, not the quantity. Unfortunately I've also learned that friendships change, which I think is the hardest thing about them.

I have learned to listen more. I have learned that just because something is my reality, doesn't mean it is everyone's reality. 

In much younger years I gave pieces of my heart to people who didn't deserve them, and sometimes I wish I hadn't. I cringe at some of the things teenage-me did, and I am glad to never have to revisit those years again.

I learned that it's okay to be smart! I don't have to play dumb just so people will like me.

I have more fears than I wish I did, most of them have to do with losing the ones I love. 

I get stressed and anxious more than I'd like. I'm working on it, especially because I don't want it affecting my kids, but also because it's an exhausting way to live. Sometimes I wish I'd let loose a little more.

I feel things heavily. I love fiercely, have a strong sense of justice, and hope for the best. I also feel anger deeply, and betrayal cuts me down. I am not easily hurt, but when I am, I have a hard time recovering.

I've become much more introverted than I used to be. I watch people more, and am comfortable not being the center of attention.

By 30, I have learned what looks good on me, what compliments my body. I've more-or-less comes to terms with my body - this strong body that has carried and nourished two babies. This body offers love and comfort to those I care about the most.

I basically do my makeup the same I've always done it, I've just gotten a little better at it. Still don't know the secret to it not just disappearing by 2 pm, but I guess that's up to the next decade.

My soul is a little weary - I am troubled by the goings on in the world, and what the future holds. I wish people would listen to each other better, and give room for differing opinions and views. I wish there was less anger and hate.

I know the things I believe, and what I stand for. Every day I strive to put others before myself. I try to be kind to those around me. I try to show love and acceptance. I fail more than I'd like, but I am thankful for grace.

I love to laugh. I love to make others laugh. At this point, I feel like a Netflix special is in my future.

I have a voice, and I have things to say. At 30, I feel like I'm at a place where I can actually offer something to others.

I've gone from baking from a box to baking everything from scratch! There's the true highlight of the decade!

I like to be liked, but I've also learned that it's okay if not everyone likes me. I am not chocolate, I can't make everyone happy.

I have learned how much I love being woman. I love the sisterhood of women that have surrounded me at different pivotal times in my life. The women who have filled the roles of grandmother, aunt and sister. Women like Mary, Ica neni, Agi neni, Karmi, Lori, Sherry, Jackie, Johanna, Caysey, Katie, Angel, Mandy, Amy, Hannah, Katja, Eva... women who have enriched my life in more ways than they'll ever know.

I am thankful for books, and the adventures they've taken me on.

I am so glad that I am a teacher. Other than being a mom, it's the thing that fits me the most. I miss the everyday part of it, and look forward to that becoming a regular in my life again sometime.

I love beautiful things. Beautiful landscapes, buildings, pictures, colors, homes, food, words... I love how these things make me feel. I love making things around me beautiful. I love being a (literal) home maker; creating a peaceful and comfortable space for the ones I treasure most.

I love the Lord, He has been so good to me. Words can't begin to express the gratitude I feel, because without Him I would have none of the other things. In fact, even if I did have all the other things but not Him, I would have nothing. I love to rest in His presence.

And so, here we are - it's the eve of 30, and I am alone (a rare occurrence), thinking about all the things that make up "me", or at least have made up who I have been over these 30 years.

I am excited about what this new chapter holds, and curious to see what version of me will come out on the other side. Here's to 30!

Trying To Let My Kids "Become"

I've started listening to the audiobook version of Michelle Obama's autobiography, Becoming. One of the things that has struck me so far, was Michelle's description of her mother's parenting style. She remarks that even as she would complain to her mother about teachers, friends, school or what-have-you, that her mother would never indulge her in her whining, but would rather listen, and occasionally say things like, "I see" or "oh my" - indicating to her daughter that she was listening, that she had her full attention, but was also allowing Michelle to make her own way, to develop her own thoughts on things, rather than just regurgitating her mother's opinions.

This is kind of new to me, and I love it.

I've always tried to instill curiosity and independent thinking in my son. He has a very scientific way of looking at things, enjoys figuring things out and asks lots of very good questions - questions I often answer with a another question. I am by no means a perfect parent, but I do think I have some good instincts. That, coupled with early childhood education training means that I am frequently looking at parenting situations, attempting to analyze what is being learned, what new skills Aidan is picking up, what he isn't quite getting yet, and what opinions he is making for himself.

Of course, he is at the age where most of what he thinks about things is what I think about things. Aidan is also one of those kids who is always trying to please the adults around him - especially me. I've noticed he has some anxiety, especially when he thinks I won't like something. For example, I picked out an outfit for him the other day. It was the shirt that he had gotten from "pirate" camp, because it was Talk Like A Pirate Day. He wanted to wear a different shirt, which I didn't know. He put on the pirate one, but came out of his room softly crying. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he didn't want to wear the pirate shirt, but didn't want to ruin Pirate Day, and he didn't want me to be upset. 

I felt terrible that he was so upset about something that was not a big deal, and that he thought I would be angry over a silly shirt.

He is his own person, and I need to recalibrate how I do things, so that he doesn't feel like I am just making him an extension of myself, but rather giving him the space to become his own person.

In addition to all of that, I am a mother of two now, and each child is different. This is something I am learning the hard way. 

My daughter is what they call a high needs baby. She was colicky for a long time, and still has difficulty in the evenings. She spends most meals sitting in her high chair crying and screaming. She is very frustrated by... well... life. She wants to be able to do everything, she gets into everything (this morning it was a bag of flour, last week it was mascara), she screams when she doesn't get her way, and she is ALWAYS on the move. Always has been. She has been teething since she was 4 months old, but only finally got her first tooth at Christmas - when she was 15 months old! That makes for one very grumpy baby.

I am sorry to say that I had very specific expectations for what having a little girl would look like - and so far it's been basically the opposite. More and more, I am learning to let go of my expectations, and let my baby... become.

If she is going to be rough-and-tumble - I need to make sure she has knee pads.

If she is going to have strong opinions on everything - I need to teach her how to form those opinions and stand up for them.

If she is going to be hard to settle - I need to learn what it is that comforts her.

If she is going to feel things deeply - I need to help her learn how to express those emotions in healthy ways.

This is a simplistic story, but one that kind of sums up what I mean:

I've been thinking about Jocie's 2nd birthday party theme, and planning a swan themed party in my mind (and on Pinterest), when the other day I looked at her and told her, "you're more of a llama girl than a swan girl, aren't you baby?" Llamas - they're fun and colorful, a little loud and spit sometimes. And yet, everyone loves them!

I am learning that it is not my job to tell my kids who they are meant to be. It is my job to support them in who they are meant to become. To help them find the tools to achieve their goals and dreams. To be "into" whatever they're interested in. (For the record, I know WAY more about dinosaurs than you'd think!)

This takes a conscious effort on my part. I have to make sure that I am not smothering or stifling my kids with my expectations.

This of course does not mean that I have NO expectations - there are chores, involvement in sports, learning an instrument, being respectful and kind... BUT I am trying to ask more questions and listen even more. I am trying to see my kids as separate individuals.

Every evening at bed time I speak words of affirmation over them. Things like, "You are strong. You have such a big heart. You are such a good friend. I love how you are kind to your sister. You are so brave. I love how you were helpful and showed Jesus to your friend." These are the things I hope to see reflected in them as they grow up. Beyond that... I'm trying to give them an open range. 

I will be here to love, support, research, learn new things along with them, hear their view on situations, and try not to take it personally when they think things different from me. My kids are not made in my image. I don't want them to feel like unless they metaphorically look like me, that I won't be happy with their choices.

So, if you need me, I'll be over here looking up science experiments for kids, reading LEGO manuals, researching anger management for toddlers, not pushing "pink", planning a llama-licious birthday party and drinking coffee. Lots of coffee.

Large Group Family Photo Tips

This past Christmas my family was able to spend the holidays together! For many people this is not out of the ordinary - for my family, it is a HUGE deal! We hadn't all been together for the holidays in 5 years, and we hadn't all been together at home for 7 years. 7 years!!!

So, we had to make sure that we marked the occasion, and had some nice family pictures taken. If you know me, you know that I love family pictures - the coordinating, the planning, the location... all of which become a little more complicated when it's winter, you have 9 people in your group - two of whom are kids, and you all live thousands of miles apart from one another. 

So, here are some of my tips for getting great large group shots!

1. Choose a neutral color palette

The reason for neutral is because brighter, more specific colors can be really hard to match - and we weren't going for matchy-matchy, anyway. 

In our family group text, I sent out some options/ideas for color palettes. We all voted on which one we liked the best, and settled on this one. We all love blue, and everyone has black and white in their wardrobe, so this was a great choice!

2. Indoor space with outdoor light

Since we were taking pictures in the winter but didn't want to all be bundled up in coats, we needed to find someplace that was indoor with outdoor lightning. With indoor spaces you may need to get permission first, or even pay a fee depending on the place. Some options to keep in mind are galleries, malls, botanical gardens, etc. 

The pictures work best with the light behind the photographer. This family photo is great, and I still love it, but the colors are so much better in the second one.

3. Layout/Position

Looking at those same two earlier photos, you can see two examples of where to place your tallest people (our family has this unique problem, ha!). When you have your tallest people on the ends, you run the risk of getting a "fishbowl" effect. You may want to play around with seating people down on a bench, to create more dimensions. The main idea is, that you don't want everyone who is the same height all next to each other.

4. Make sure you get all the "units"

Be sure to get spouses, and family units individually, too. Also, if there are any single people in your family, don't leave them out. Who doesn't like a nice photo of themselves?!

5. As well as some candid moments

My youngest started walking around with my dad, and it was such a precious sight - his big but gentle hands, her little teeny tininess... 

6. Bonus: Get some pictures in the "homestead"

Although the color in these photos isn't as great as at the other location, but it was pretty special to get some pictures taken at my parents' house, too. They've lived there for 28 years, so it's my brothers' and my childhood home. Someday I guess they'll move, but I think most of us have a hard time imagining them living anywhere else. It was nice to have a few pictures of us taken there as well. <3 I do actually love how "warm" these photos feel.

Of course, you don't need fancy family pictures taken whenever you get together, but... a person honestly never knows what tomorrow brings, and I am so thankful that we have these to look at and cherish. We were all together, and we have these lovely images to prove it!

The photos were taken by our neighbor, Monika Melczer. Unfortunately, she does not have a photography page that I can recommend, but I must give credit where credit is due. She did a marvelous job, and got them back to us within days!