Trying To Let My Kids "Become"

I've started listening to the audiobook version of Michelle Obama's autobiography, Becoming. One of the things that has struck me so far, was Michelle's description of her mother's parenting style. She remarks that even as she would complain to her mother about teachers, friends, school or what-have-you, that her mother would never indulge her in her whining, but would rather listen, and occasionally say things like, "I see" or "oh my" - indicating to her daughter that she was listening, that she had her full attention, but was also allowing Michelle to make her own way, to develop her own thoughts on things, rather than just regurgitating her mother's opinions.

This is kind of new to me, and I love it.

I've always tried to instill curiosity and independent thinking in my son. He has a very scientific way of looking at things, enjoys figuring things out and asks lots of very good questions - questions I often answer with a another question. I am by no means a perfect parent, but I do think I have some good instincts. That, coupled with early childhood education training means that I am frequently looking at parenting situations, attempting to analyze what is being learned, what new skills Aidan is picking up, what he isn't quite getting yet, and what opinions he is making for himself.

Of course, he is at the age where most of what he thinks about things is what I think about things. Aidan is also one of those kids who is always trying to please the adults around him - especially me. I've noticed he has some anxiety, especially when he thinks I won't like something. For example, I picked out an outfit for him the other day. It was the shirt that he had gotten from "pirate" camp, because it was Talk Like A Pirate Day. He wanted to wear a different shirt, which I didn't know. He put on the pirate one, but came out of his room softly crying. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he didn't want to wear the pirate shirt, but didn't want to ruin Pirate Day, and he didn't want me to be upset. 

I felt terrible that he was so upset about something that was not a big deal, and that he thought I would be angry over a silly shirt.

He is his own person, and I need to recalibrate how I do things, so that he doesn't feel like I am just making him an extension of myself, but rather giving him the space to become his own person.

In addition to all of that, I am a mother of two now, and each child is different. This is something I am learning the hard way. 

My daughter is what they call a high needs baby. She was colicky for a long time, and still has difficulty in the evenings. She spends most meals sitting in her high chair crying and screaming. She is very frustrated by... well... life. She wants to be able to do everything, she gets into everything (this morning it was a bag of flour, last week it was mascara), she screams when she doesn't get her way, and she is ALWAYS on the move. Always has been. She has been teething since she was 4 months old, but only finally got her first tooth at Christmas - when she was 15 months old! That makes for one very grumpy baby.

I am sorry to say that I had very specific expectations for what having a little girl would look like - and so far it's been basically the opposite. More and more, I am learning to let go of my expectations, and let my baby... become.

If she is going to be rough-and-tumble - I need to make sure she has knee pads.

If she is going to have strong opinions on everything - I need to teach her how to form those opinions and stand up for them.

If she is going to be hard to settle - I need to learn what it is that comforts her.

If she is going to feel things deeply - I need to help her learn how to express those emotions in healthy ways.

This is a simplistic story, but one that kind of sums up what I mean:

I've been thinking about Jocie's 2nd birthday party theme, and planning a swan themed party in my mind (and on Pinterest), when the other day I looked at her and told her, "you're more of a llama girl than a swan girl, aren't you baby?" Llamas - they're fun and colorful, a little loud and spit sometimes. And yet, everyone loves them!

I am learning that it is not my job to tell my kids who they are meant to be. It is my job to support them in who they are meant to become. To help them find the tools to achieve their goals and dreams. To be "into" whatever they're interested in. (For the record, I know WAY more about dinosaurs than you'd think!)

This takes a conscious effort on my part. I have to make sure that I am not smothering or stifling my kids with my expectations.

This of course does not mean that I have NO expectations - there are chores, involvement in sports, learning an instrument, being respectful and kind... BUT I am trying to ask more questions and listen even more. I am trying to see my kids as separate individuals.

Every evening at bed time I speak words of affirmation over them. Things like, "You are strong. You have such a big heart. You are such a good friend. I love how you are kind to your sister. You are so brave. I love how you were helpful and showed Jesus to your friend." These are the things I hope to see reflected in them as they grow up. Beyond that... I'm trying to give them an open range. 

I will be here to love, support, research, learn new things along with them, hear their view on situations, and try not to take it personally when they think things different from me. My kids are not made in my image. I don't want them to feel like unless they metaphorically look like me, that I won't be happy with their choices.

So, if you need me, I'll be over here looking up science experiments for kids, reading LEGO manuals, researching anger management for toddlers, not pushing "pink", planning a llama-licious birthday party and drinking coffee. Lots of coffee.

Momming On the Edge...

... of sanity, that is!

Dan has traveled a lot this summer. Like, a lot a lot.

Which leaves me home alone with the kids. Alone. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. It wouldn't be so bad, except our youngest is kind of a handful, especially in the late afternoons and evenings - which happens to be the same time our oldest is also home. (He's at his kindergarten's summer program during the day.) She still isn't consistently sleeping through the night (although it's much better than it was). She cries a lot. She's really needy. And then there's the 5-year-old, who is great, but also... you know, a 5-year-old. There are meals to prepare, clothes to wash, the apartment to clean, kids to keep alive, all while not completely losing it. There are bodily fluids and smeared snacks all over the place it seems. There's crying - and not just from the kids. There are missed showers and crack-mom ponytails. 

My parents are not nearby this summer, and all of my friends here are also mommies of small kids, and facing the same struggles I am.

This has left me feeling pretty lonely and overwhelmed at times this summer. 

And yet, we're surviving.

So, here are my 5 "Momming on The Edge" tips, if you find yourself in a similar situation.

1. Multi-tasking

When my 11 month-old has made a complete mess of herself and the highchair, I stick them both in the shower. Together. I hose down the highchair, plop her out, bathe her, badda-bing, badda-boom, they're both clean. She gets a kick out of it, it's quicker than getting out her baby bath, and the high chair is ready for the next day, too. I'm calling this a win!

2. Easy Meals

I cook. I cook well. My husband cooks better, and does most of the cooking. So when he is out of town, I try to make it as easy on myself as possible. Here are some of my go-to meals, feel free to steal them - 1) spaghetti (enough for leftovers), 2) thicken up some of the remaining sauce (that's in the jar, not made into Bolognese) with some tomato paste, buy toppings and cheese and a pre-made pizza dough - pizza night!!! 3) boneless/skinless chicken breasts and a Patak's simmer sauce - butter or peanut chicken! 4) My kid prefers raw veggies to cooked - score!!! Wash, chop, serve, done! 5) Hot dogs. Done and done. 6) since my son gets a multi-course, nutritional meal at kindergarten, some nights we just have sandwiches - and you know what? He loves it. No need to make it harder than it needs to be.

3. Go Out Or Stay In

Whichever is easier. Don't feel pressure to do something every day, unless that's what you want to do, and it's easier for you. For us, some days it's easier to head into the center, and let the baby take a nap in the stroller, and hope I can get a hot coffee in before she wakes up. Other days I binge watch on Netflix. It's called balance, and I'm here for it.

4. It's Okay To Admit Defeat

One of the Saturdays I was alone, I headed into the city center with the kids. I had grand ideas for the day that included a playground, fun lunch, and adorable "I can do this" selfies. Jocie wouldn't fall asleep as I planned, but I sat down at a cafe for a coffee anyway. Aidan was on a fish statue/jungle gym thingy right next to me. Jocie was screaming at me for a snack, and Aidan was asking if he could have an ice cream, and I was so overwhelmed, I knocked my coffee into my lap, after only getting one sip. (see first picture) I let Aidan get his ice cream, paid for everything, got up, and scrapped the plans I had for the rest of the day. I looked at Aidan and said, "I am wet, uncomfortable and embarrassed. We're gonna head home now." So, we bought sandwiches, went home, changed into jammies (it was like 11 am), watched TV and called it a day. But the kids were alive, they were fed, and actually pretty excited to just hang out at home. So... yeah. Sometimes you just have to admit defeat, and be okay with it.

5. Loosen Up With the Rules

We're kind of sticklers about bedtime. But when it's just me, and I'm trying to get the baby to sleep, I'm not getting hung up on what time Aidan goes to bed. It's never later than 8:30 anyway, and it's summer, so... I'm giving myself a break on that one. He wants a snack, even though he just ate? Fine, whatever, here's some pop corn. Jocie doesn't want to lay down long enough for a diaper change AND clothes? Fine, chill in a diaper. It's hot anyway. You want a donut after school? You promise not to whine about taking a shower if I get you one? Super, the donut's all yours.

This obviously does not reflect our normal, everyday routine. But, in an effort to all be alive and well when Dan gets home, these are some of the coping skills we've picked up.

The point is, if you're at a place in your life where getting by and surviving equals winning, stop beating yourself up about it. Today, after we got Aidan a donut after school, he said "this is the best day ever"! It's clearly not "the best day ever", but to his mind it is, because mommy was happy, and he had icing dripping off his fingers.

So, if you find yourself "momming on the edge" today, know you're not alone, and this too shall pass.

Thoughts From A Second-Time New Mom

New mommyhood.  That fog in which many of us find ourselves.  Diapers, sleep (the baby, not you), spit-up, blowouts, tiny clothes that need washing, smiles, crying, gas, more crying...

Funky smells, engorgement and/or bottle sterilizing, sleepless nights, 3 am articles about SIDS, hair loss...

It's a magical time.

One, that oddly enough, even as a mother of two (woah!)...

I'm almost doing for the first time.  "What?", you say?  I'll explain.

When we had Aidan, I was working as a Kindergarten teacher in the US.  I was employed full-time for most of my pregnancy and birth, but was only employed part-time at the time of getting pregnant.  This meant that I was not eligible for any kind of paid maternity leave.  Legally I was allowed 6 weeks of unpaid leave.  Which is what I had.  It absolutely broke my heart the first day back at work, when Dan took our teeny tiny baby to the babysitter (an amazing mama from our church, who watched him Tuesday-Friday, for about 8-9 hours/day).  Although I was thankful for a job (without which we wouldn't have been able to live), and for someone who loved my baby enough to watch him, it was not easy.

Every day, when Aidan came home, he smelled like the babysitter's house (which was actually a wonderful essential oil smell, but still), not our home.  I think that is the most tangible image of what I felt.  My baby didn't even smell like he lived with me.  My husband actually spent more waking hours with him than I did - he had Mondays off.  I pumped at work twice a day, because I was determined to breastfeed.  When he came home, around 5, he basically cluster-fed until bedtime.  He was/is an AMAZING sleeper, so then he would sleep from about 8:00-6:30.  Then, I nursed him, got him and I both ready, and Dan would take him to the babysitter again.  Every day.

Whenever I decided to sit down and do the math, about how many hours a day I actually spent with him... I just couldn't do it.  I stopped myself before I actually got to the answer.  Even now, I'm getting emotional.  But we did what we had to do.

When he turned one, he started going to the preschool at my school.  That was a little better - because of less of a commute, I got probably an extra hour a day with him.  I could also check in on him throughout the day, if I needed.

Then, when he turned 2, our lives took a drastic turn, we were commissioned to be missionaries.  All of a sudden, I became a stay-at-home-mom to a toddler.  It was a huge shock to the system.  The first few weeks were heaven!  After that, I started to realize more and more what the positives of being a working mom were.

I had a professional life, people actually cared about what I had to say.  Adult conversations.  Feeling fulfilled on a non-mommy level.  Feeling like I'd accomplished things in my day.  "New" experiences every day.  Putting on real clothes (don't laugh, it's true!).  Getting a "break".  Not having to change all the diapers in the world.

Thankfully, Aidan was already 2, so he was active enough, and fun enough to do things with.  We were a one-car family, and Dan traveled a lot, so I did have to get creative about how to keep his busy self occupied, but overall it was a good experience.  We had fun, I felt like I got to really know him, and we adjusted.

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And now here we are.  I'm now (as of 8 weeks ago), a stay-at-home-mom to a newborn.  This is new territory for me.  It feels so strange to say that, but it really is true.  I'm so blessed to have a job where I can be involved in ministry, and still be a SAHM, I am so thankful for that!  But this is nearly all new to me.

For example - going out with her TERRIFIES me!  I'm getting together with a friend tomorrow morning, and it'll be our first real outing just the two of us - by ourselves, riding the bus, going into the center of town.  AAAHHHH!

Also, how do I fill my days?  We live according to her schedule, so I'm not actually in "want" of things to do, but what do I do with her when she's awake?  How do I stimulate her growing mind?  How do I break up the mundane, never-ending slew of laundry?  What do I do when she won't stop crying?  (By the way, the answer is nurse her.  Always nurse her.)

Thankfully, the culture here in Slovenia is very mommy-friendly.  I have mommy friends to go on walks with, get coffee with, or who come over.  But it can also be very lonely, and all-consuming.  I often crave a professional conversation, where my education is of use to me.  I nurse on demand, so I'm very "tethered" to the baby.  She's not always a happy baby, and needs lots of holding.  Or baby wearing.  I love the cuddles, and closeness... but I also love hot coffee, and lunch.  And sleep.

Basically, my rambling doesn't have much of a point, or conclusion, except to say that mommyhood is a complete devotion of self; whether you are a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, work-from-home mom or any combination of those.

There are positives and negatives to each situation.  In my experience, both are hard, but in very different ways.  For me though, the ability to stay home with Jocelyn is priceless.  I am beyond thankful for our current situation, and ability to mother they way I'd like.  

I am so thankful that Aidan was such an easygoing baby, and that he loves and adores me.  Even with his first year the way that it was, he has always loved me (a very real mama-fear), he is healthy and happy, and now that he is 4 and back in school (Slovenian kindergarten), he loves it, and is excited to go every day!

In the afternoons, when I get to have both of them with me, and we're having a snack, playing or watching TV, I'm so thankful that I don't have to do lesson planning, or prep for a parent-teacher conference.  But I do kind of pine for a lunch break, donuts on Friday, morning chats with coworkers and looking professional.

So if I seem very "new mother-y", please understand.  

I kind of am.