Christ Is Born. For You.

It's been years since I feel like I've had a very cohesive thought to put together, but today I finally felt the urge to really write something down. Thanks to anyone still out here, who's willing to follow along.

For me, there are two different categories of Christmas songs - there is the first category; that is the fun, festive, lighthearted songs about the season and all the fun they bring. I love these songs, and play them regularly after Thanksgiving.

Then there is the second category. These songs have been known to leave me standing alone in my kitchen, with hands lifted in surrender and hot tears streaming down my face. They challenge me to have peace, even in a place of turmoil, when nothing seems to go right. They promise hope, when I feel that the world around me is unraveling. They speak of love when I feel abandoned. They tell me to rejoice, when I am struggling with deep hurts.

To me, these songs are worshipful and holy. I am more careful and purposeful when I listen to these songs. They are not just air-fillers while I am baking cookies. They are the very heart of the Gospel message.

They bring me to a place, year after year, where I acknowledge that I have very little control, that the world around me is not as it should be, and that in the midst of all of that, God loved me, and you, so much, that he sent Jesus, who humbled himself, took the lowly form of a baby, and allowed himself to be born in a cave. The magnitude of his sacrifice moves me to such a deeply raw and emotional place. Especially during difficult times; times of loss, unmet expectations, uncertainty and frustration. These songs point me towards the harder moments of following Christ.

A weary world rejoices. (Oh Holy Night)

Disperse the gloomy clouds of night

And death's dark shadows put to flight

(O Come, O Come Emmanuel - especially by For King and Country)

O come, bitter and broken

Come with fears unspoken

Come, taste of His perfect love

(O, Come All You Unfaithful by Sovereign Grace Music - really their whole album, Heaven Has Come)

The Christmas season can be such an emotionally overwhelming time. It can seem like no matter how hard we try, we get caught up in the busyness of the season. It can bring out our more difficult emotions and sadnesses. It can make losses feel stronger. It can cause unresolved situations to weigh heavier.

But these songs about a long awaited Savior, someone who promises to walk with me through the struggles, to whom I can lament without fear of shame - is the true message of Christmas.

Christ is born. For us.

Just A Mom

Never have I felt more like "just a mom" than this year.

With the lockdowns, and distance learning, no eating out, no playdates, and no going anywhere - it has just been a lot of mundane, and a lot of simply surviving.

I was feeling reflective, and looked back on some of the things I'd written about motherhood in the past, and came across another time I'd felt like "just a mom", and what I had written 5 years ago still rang true, so I thought I would share these thoughts with you in case you needed to read them, too.

Being a mom - especially a mom during a global pandemic - can feel like an invisible and thankless job. It can be hard to feel like others can relate to us, and so many things that are out there as resources for people don't apply to us. Sometimes, it can feel like that with the Bible too. It's full of prophets, kings, a queen or two, male disciples, soldiers... you get the picture. Most of the people we read about are men, and even when it IS a woman, her motherhood - or at least the minutia of her motherhood - isn't mentioned.

Or is it?

Today I want to tell you about 5 "invisible" moms in the Bible.  Some of them you've maybe thought of, others you probably haven't.  But, in each case, they were "simply" doing the mundane, everyday mom-duties. 

1. Making Meals - The Mom of the Boy With 2 Fish and 5 Loaves of Bread

You may be familiar with the story. It's in John 6.  Jesus is preaching to a multitude when the day gets long, and he tells the disciples to find the people something to eat.  Andrew, one of the disciples, tells Jesus there's this boy with 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread, which is obviously not enough for 5000+ people.  But Jesus blesses the food, and performs a miracle, where there is enough food for everyone, with 12 baskets to spare.

But, do you know why this miracle was even possible?  Because a mama packed her boy a lunch.  Due to her everyday act of love, Jesus was able to feed the multitude.  Sure, I assume had she not packed him a lunch, Jesus would've found another way - but he didn't.  Jesus used something that so many of us do day-in and day-out - feed our children; and showed it to be so much more.

From the moment we find out our babies are on their way, we worry about what is going into their body.  We take prenatal vitamins and try to eat right while we're pregnant.  We breastfeed, or try to find the very best formula money can buy.  As a working mom, I spent my lunch break, and resource break every day for a year holed up in a storage room, pumping that liquid gold.  Once my son moved on to solids, and went to preschool, he was fed a school lunch.  But yet, I got up every morning to make him a fresh fruit salad, so that incase he didn't like it, at least he had something good and nutritious to eat.  I make my kids "fancy snack". I try to make sure every meal they eat has each food group represented.  I get the cheese my daughter likes, and the veggies my son likes. We go to the "other" grocery store to get the yogurt they like. We do these things to keep them sustained, sure.  But it's more than that.  It's how we show our children that we love and care for them.

  

It feels like a basic thing, but Jesus took something so simple, and created a miracle from it. It matters to God - more than we know!

2. Laundry - Hannah, Samuel's Mother

I really love Hannah, and have written about her in the past.  But as I was revisiting her story this verse stood out to me: 1 Samuel 2:18 "In the midst of all this, Samuel, a boy dressed in a priestly linen tunic, served God. Additionally, every year his mother would make him a little robe cut to his size and bring it to him when she and her husband came for the annual sacrifice."

I had never really noticed this before.  I don't recall anywhere else in the Bible where someone sewing a robe made the final cut.  And yet here it is, and it's important enough to be mentioned as part of what molded his character.  In case you are not familiar, in 1 Samuel 1 Hannah is praying and crying in the Tabernacle for God to give her a baby.  She promises to give him to the Lord in return.  Eli the priest finds her, and initially thinks she's drunk, but then realizes what is going on, and tells her God has heard her prayer.  Hannah does in fact become pregnant, nurses and then weans her son (there's the feeding element is again, btw), and then brings him to the tabernacle.  She kept her promise, even though I'm sure it broke her heart.  And although she didn't see him every day, when she came to visit, she always brought him a robe "cut to his size". This indicates precision and forethought.  The wording is so precious.  Clothes and laundry.  Just another thing we moms do, in what seems like a never-ending cycle.  And yet, this act of nurturing was important enough to make it into God's word.  And, by the way, do you know what happened to Hannah in return?  God blessed she and her husband with more children.  Not that they could ever take Samuel's place.  But what a comfort it must've been to not find her arms empty again.  

3. Keeping the Tiny Humans Alive - Jochebed, Moses' Mother

Have you seen those mugs that say, "Today's To Do List: Keep the Tiny Humans Alive"?  I think it's hilarious, because I feel like I'm always saving my kids from themselves.  That's why people child-proof! When they bump their heads, we call the doctor.  When they are determined to jump off the furniture, we explain to them why that's NOT a great idea.  Or at least put a pillow in the landing zone. 

Well, Jochebed had to ACTUALLY keep her tiny human alive.  The Pharaoh was feeling threatened by the Jews, so he had all the baby boys killed (Exodus 1:22).  First she hid him, for 3 months!  (Imagine if he was colicky!) Then, she created an ingenious, waterproof basket, and placed him in the Nile. How her heart must've ached!  But Pharaoh's daughter found him, Moses' sister suggested a wet nurse she knew (their mother), and so Jochebed got to keep her son a little while longer.  Although not portrayed this way in stories like the Prince of Egypt, the language in the Bible suggests that Moses knew who she was, and kept in touch with his biological family - because his clever and loving mama wouldn't give up.

4. Hopes and Dreams - Bathsheba, Solomon's Mother

I've always had a soft spot for Bathsheba.  Yes, she and David had an affair, but I feel like, in that day and age, if the king decides he's going to sleep with you, and your husband is out of town and isn't there to kick his butt, there isn't much room to say no.  Anyway, they have an affair which results in a baby, who sadly dies. (2 Samuel 11-12) Later, David and Bathsheba have another baby - Solomon.  As David is getting old, one of his other sons, Adonijah crowns himself king without his father's blessing or anointing.  Nathan the prophet convinces Bathsheba to go to David, and remind him of his promise to have Solomon as his successor.  So Bathsheba goes before David to plead her son's case. In the end David names Solomon his heir, and Nathan anoints him.  

Somehow, I missed this part of the story, until working on this piece.  It wasn't like nowadays, where you have a family meeting.  Remember how risky it was for Esther to go before the king?  Judging by the tone in this passage (1 King 1), it would seem that we are dealing with a very similar situation.  So, Bathsheba risked it all to make sure that her son got what was rightfully his, and God's plan for his life. 

How many times as mamas do we set our own needs or comforts aside for our kids' dreams?  The countless hours sitting at practice, or late nights studying for tests?  Or pursuing recommendations, proof-reading essays?  

Moms have been doing it since the beginning of time.  And God thought it was important enough to highlight in the story of Bathsheba fighting for her son.

5. Patience and Active Parenting - Mary, Jesus' Mother

Okay, so this mama is definitely not invisible.  But today I want to focus on her parenting, specifically.  Remember the story, of when young Jesus stays behind in Jerusalem, and his parents don't know where he is?  When they finally find him, this is what goes down: (Luke 2:48) "And his mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us so? Behold, your father and I have been searching for you in great distress.” And he said to them, “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?” And they did not understand the saying that he spoke to them. And he went down with them and came to Nazareth and was submissive to them. And his mother treasured up all these things in her heart."

I always loved that last sentence, it's very poetic.  First off, I'm impressed that it says that she "said" to him.  Had it been me, it would've said she "screeched" at him.  That's the patient part.  So, this is the correction portion.  She doesn't just say, "Oh yay, we found you!"  No, she tells him that he caused his parents great distress.  Jesus responds (which I used to take as Jesus talking back, but I don't think that was the case) saying he was in his Father's house.  They take him home, and it says he was "submissive" to them.  I mean, yeah, he was Jesus, but still.  I think that part is important.  

He was obedient to them, which implies there was something to be obedient ABOUT.  This means there were rules and expectations in their household.  This shows active parenting and involvement on Mary's part. And then that last sentence: his mother treasured up all these things in her heart. This shows that her heart was tuned towards him, which I love.

So, sweet mama plugging through your everyday routine, thinking it doesn't matter, no one cares or notices.  Stories like these in the Bible are made possible because of mothers just like you.  Because of mothers' daily devotion and sacrifice.

So keep on keeping on.  God is noticing, and it matters to Him.  In each of these stories, the common denominator, is that God didn't forget about these mothers, and He hasn't forgotten about you, either.  So, happy Mother's Day! Especially on those days you feel like "just a mom", because every little thing you do matters. To those tiny humans surrounding you, and also to God.

Foraging In The Forests of Slovenia

Foraging is a big part of Slovene culture. 

Most travel shows that focus on Slovenia at least mention it in one way or another (most recently the Netflix show Restaurants on the Edge in Season 2)  because it is so quintessential, but also because it is an art form that other parts of the world are slowly leaving behind. As Slovenia's gastronomy is getting more notice (best female chef in the world), much of the "where" concerning their food is in the spotlight. Chefs here love to use local and seasonal ingredients. But they're not the only ones. It is a pastime that most people engage in on one level or another. Some pensioners use foraging as a way to supplement their income by selling whatever is in season at their local markets.

Slovenes forage for all kinds of things, such as herbs, berries, elderflower, chestnuts, and most importantly mushrooms.

When we were living in Ljubljana, the capital city, we didn't really do any of these things, however NOW, since we live in a small town in a different part of the country - we have been able to be a part of many more authentic Slovene experiences. This weekend our friends invited us to visit their parents and go chestnut and mushroom hunting with them. We were delighted at the invitation, and had an incredible time.

When foraging - especially for mushrooms - it is very important that one knows what they are doing, and can identify the types of mushrooms in the woods.

People who take mushroom foraging seriously know what they're doing, but many also have a mushroom encyclopedia to make sure the food they're bringing home to their family won't do them harm. Our friends' dad guided us through which mushrooms to pick, and then had his wife consult their encyclopedia when we got home. We were all good! We found chanterelle mushrooms as well as porcini. 

The Slovene Forest Service mandates that those who forage for mushrooms are required to use baskets so that the spores can fall to the ground as you are walking along in the forest. 

To add to the sweetness of the day, our friends' dad actually made the baskets we used. They were beautiful, and he made them out of reeds that he - you guessed it - foraged.

I like mushrooms fine (and those chanterelle were the best I've ever had), but I was there mostly for the chestnuts. Chestnuts are so quintessential fall! In Hungary, where I grew up they also cook/bake with chestnuts, but I never knew much about them. There was a tree in front of my house that dropped horse chestnuts (the non-edible kind), from which we made chestnut people using toothpicks - but I don't recall ever seeing actual chestnuts in the wild. I know we have them, because my Hungarian grandma and neighbor ladies all made chestnut puree, and we had roasted chestnuts at the Christmas market, but that was the some total of my knowledge.

The area where we were searching for chestnuts was actually right along the Hungarian border. The way one can know if the chestnut they are holding is edible or not, is this: if it is pointy at the end and has a little "tail", it is edible. 

Because chestnuts are wild, there is no way to know how much of a "harvest" there will be. Additionally, there are quite a few people visiting these forests every year with the same goal in mind - to find as many chestnuts as possible. We weren't sure how much we would find. As it turned out, we had nothing to fear, and had an abundance of chestnuts to choose from. 

To make sure that no one can hog all the chestnuts, the Slovene Forest Service only allows 2 kg of chestnuts per person. Luckily for us, kids count as full people too, and we were able to take home quite a lot. 

After our lovely time of hiking, discovery, foraging, chatting and taking in all the natural beauty we headed home to our friends' parents house, where their mom treated us to a delicious and traditional Slovene meal. Once we had finished with that, they showed our kids around on their property where they have an orchard, fields, gardens, and an old tractor that each of our kids had a chance to drive. Needless to say, childhood memories were made.

When we returned home, we saw our elderly neighbors out an about in their front yard, and we decided to take them over a bag of chestnuts. Their family visits every weekend, and they had grandkids smiling and running around all over the yard. The wife told me that she hadn't seen me much this week and had been worried that I was sick. I replied that I had actually just started back at work with more hours, but really appreciated her concern. 

She explained that she and her husband usually went foraging for chestnuts in the fall as well, but that due to COVID-19 they weren't going anywhere at all. They grow all their own produce, and their children bring them anything else they might need.

There is such beauty in connecting with nature and taking in all of the splendor of God's creation - the trees, the sunlight, the sounds of the birds, even the bugs that are all part of the eco system. 

But yesterday also reminded me that it is even more important to connect with our community, those living around us and inhabiting the same spaces that we are. There are so many studies that show that cultures who live intertwined with their community lead happier and more fulfilled lives than those who live more individualistically.

Living in the digital age, we are becoming more and more isolated which is then being compounded right now by this pandemic. 

Yesterday was a great reminder to find joy in the simpler, everyday things and to then turn around and spread those feelings with the people around us.

Thanks, Slovenia. You really are one in a million.

On The Eve Of 30

Tomorrow I turn 30.

30 doesn't exactly feel old, but it definitely doesn't feel young either.

I have this weird corn on the top of my foot that won't go away, no matter how much I lotion it. My hips ache. I have chronic back pain. I like to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I love cardigans. I read the news. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I adult... I get excited about things like standing mixers and throw pillows. I feel like the next decade is definitely knocking at the door.

And yet, as I stand on the threshold of 30, I feel compelled to pause and reflect. Where have the last 30 years brought me?

I always wanted to be a ballerina. I was pretty good at one time, too. Ballet institute, eat-sleep-breathe ballet, hard-core training good... not quite good enough though, and that has always made me just a little sad. I get an ache in the pit of my stomach when I watch dancers, imagining what my life would've looked like if I had been just a little better. 

I always wanted to be a mother, too. I am very thankful that of the two dreams, that's the one that came true. It's a lot harder than anyone tells you (and you probably wouldn't believe them if they did, anyway) - but somehow I feel like I was created to be a mom. I cannot believe that I have been entrusted with these two precious lives. I am afraid every day that I am going to completely screw them up. Loving them is a privilege, and one I don't take lightly.

Thankfully I've been lucky in love. I have a great partner in life, who loves and supports me, and I him. I am thankful that we found each other early on in life. We've spent a third of my life together now, which just sounds bizarre said out loud. He is my home and safe place. He makes me laugh. He makes me coffee. He brings home flowers. He doesn't sleep quite right if I'm not next to him. He is my love.

I've learned that friendships are dear. I've learned that it is the quality of the friendship that matters, not the quantity. Unfortunately I've also learned that friendships change, which I think is the hardest thing about them.

I have learned to listen more. I have learned that just because something is my reality, doesn't mean it is everyone's reality. 

In much younger years I gave pieces of my heart to people who didn't deserve them, and sometimes I wish I hadn't. I cringe at some of the things teenage-me did, and I am glad to never have to revisit those years again.

I learned that it's okay to be smart! I don't have to play dumb just so people will like me.

I have more fears than I wish I did, most of them have to do with losing the ones I love. 

I get stressed and anxious more than I'd like. I'm working on it, especially because I don't want it affecting my kids, but also because it's an exhausting way to live. Sometimes I wish I'd let loose a little more.

I feel things heavily. I love fiercely, have a strong sense of justice, and hope for the best. I also feel anger deeply, and betrayal cuts me down. I am not easily hurt, but when I am, I have a hard time recovering.

I've become much more introverted than I used to be. I watch people more, and am comfortable not being the center of attention.

By 30, I have learned what looks good on me, what compliments my body. I've more-or-less comes to terms with my body - this strong body that has carried and nourished two babies. This body offers love and comfort to those I care about the most.

I basically do my makeup the same I've always done it, I've just gotten a little better at it. Still don't know the secret to it not just disappearing by 2 pm, but I guess that's up to the next decade.

My soul is a little weary - I am troubled by the goings on in the world, and what the future holds. I wish people would listen to each other better, and give room for differing opinions and views. I wish there was less anger and hate.

I know the things I believe, and what I stand for. Every day I strive to put others before myself. I try to be kind to those around me. I try to show love and acceptance. I fail more than I'd like, but I am thankful for grace.

I love to laugh. I love to make others laugh. At this point, I feel like a Netflix special is in my future.

I have a voice, and I have things to say. At 30, I feel like I'm at a place where I can actually offer something to others.

I've gone from baking from a box to baking everything from scratch! There's the true highlight of the decade!

I like to be liked, but I've also learned that it's okay if not everyone likes me. I am not chocolate, I can't make everyone happy.

I have learned how much I love being woman. I love the sisterhood of women that have surrounded me at different pivotal times in my life. The women who have filled the roles of grandmother, aunt and sister. Women like Mary, Ica neni, Agi neni, Karmi, Lori, Sherry, Jackie, Johanna, Caysey, Katie, Angel, Mandy, Amy, Hannah, Katja, Eva... women who have enriched my life in more ways than they'll ever know.

I am thankful for books, and the adventures they've taken me on.

I am so glad that I am a teacher. Other than being a mom, it's the thing that fits me the most. I miss the everyday part of it, and look forward to that becoming a regular in my life again sometime.

I love beautiful things. Beautiful landscapes, buildings, pictures, colors, homes, food, words... I love how these things make me feel. I love making things around me beautiful. I love being a (literal) home maker; creating a peaceful and comfortable space for the ones I treasure most.

I love the Lord, He has been so good to me. Words can't begin to express the gratitude I feel, because without Him I would have none of the other things. In fact, even if I did have all the other things but not Him, I would have nothing. I love to rest in His presence.

And so, here we are - it's the eve of 30, and I am alone (a rare occurrence), thinking about all the things that make up "me", or at least have made up who I have been over these 30 years.

I am excited about what this new chapter holds, and curious to see what version of me will come out on the other side. Here's to 30!

Trying To Let My Kids "Become"

I've started listening to the audiobook version of Michelle Obama's autobiography, Becoming. One of the things that has struck me so far, was Michelle's description of her mother's parenting style. She remarks that even as she would complain to her mother about teachers, friends, school or what-have-you, that her mother would never indulge her in her whining, but would rather listen, and occasionally say things like, "I see" or "oh my" - indicating to her daughter that she was listening, that she had her full attention, but was also allowing Michelle to make her own way, to develop her own thoughts on things, rather than just regurgitating her mother's opinions.

This is kind of new to me, and I love it.

I've always tried to instill curiosity and independent thinking in my son. He has a very scientific way of looking at things, enjoys figuring things out and asks lots of very good questions - questions I often answer with a another question. I am by no means a perfect parent, but I do think I have some good instincts. That, coupled with early childhood education training means that I am frequently looking at parenting situations, attempting to analyze what is being learned, what new skills Aidan is picking up, what he isn't quite getting yet, and what opinions he is making for himself.

Of course, he is at the age where most of what he thinks about things is what I think about things. Aidan is also one of those kids who is always trying to please the adults around him - especially me. I've noticed he has some anxiety, especially when he thinks I won't like something. For example, I picked out an outfit for him the other day. It was the shirt that he had gotten from "pirate" camp, because it was Talk Like A Pirate Day. He wanted to wear a different shirt, which I didn't know. He put on the pirate one, but came out of his room softly crying. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he didn't want to wear the pirate shirt, but didn't want to ruin Pirate Day, and he didn't want me to be upset. 

I felt terrible that he was so upset about something that was not a big deal, and that he thought I would be angry over a silly shirt.

He is his own person, and I need to recalibrate how I do things, so that he doesn't feel like I am just making him an extension of myself, but rather giving him the space to become his own person.

In addition to all of that, I am a mother of two now, and each child is different. This is something I am learning the hard way. 

My daughter is what they call a high needs baby. She was colicky for a long time, and still has difficulty in the evenings. She spends most meals sitting in her high chair crying and screaming. She is very frustrated by... well... life. She wants to be able to do everything, she gets into everything (this morning it was a bag of flour, last week it was mascara), she screams when she doesn't get her way, and she is ALWAYS on the move. Always has been. She has been teething since she was 4 months old, but only finally got her first tooth at Christmas - when she was 15 months old! That makes for one very grumpy baby.

I am sorry to say that I had very specific expectations for what having a little girl would look like - and so far it's been basically the opposite. More and more, I am learning to let go of my expectations, and let my baby... become.

If she is going to be rough-and-tumble - I need to make sure she has knee pads.

If she is going to have strong opinions on everything - I need to teach her how to form those opinions and stand up for them.

If she is going to be hard to settle - I need to learn what it is that comforts her.

If she is going to feel things deeply - I need to help her learn how to express those emotions in healthy ways.

This is a simplistic story, but one that kind of sums up what I mean:

I've been thinking about Jocie's 2nd birthday party theme, and planning a swan themed party in my mind (and on Pinterest), when the other day I looked at her and told her, "you're more of a llama girl than a swan girl, aren't you baby?" Llamas - they're fun and colorful, a little loud and spit sometimes. And yet, everyone loves them!

I am learning that it is not my job to tell my kids who they are meant to be. It is my job to support them in who they are meant to become. To help them find the tools to achieve their goals and dreams. To be "into" whatever they're interested in. (For the record, I know WAY more about dinosaurs than you'd think!)

This takes a conscious effort on my part. I have to make sure that I am not smothering or stifling my kids with my expectations.

This of course does not mean that I have NO expectations - there are chores, involvement in sports, learning an instrument, being respectful and kind... BUT I am trying to ask more questions and listen even more. I am trying to see my kids as separate individuals.

Every evening at bed time I speak words of affirmation over them. Things like, "You are strong. You have such a big heart. You are such a good friend. I love how you are kind to your sister. You are so brave. I love how you were helpful and showed Jesus to your friend." These are the things I hope to see reflected in them as they grow up. Beyond that... I'm trying to give them an open range. 

I will be here to love, support, research, learn new things along with them, hear their view on situations, and try not to take it personally when they think things different from me. My kids are not made in my image. I don't want them to feel like unless they metaphorically look like me, that I won't be happy with their choices.

So, if you need me, I'll be over here looking up science experiments for kids, reading LEGO manuals, researching anger management for toddlers, not pushing "pink", planning a llama-licious birthday party and drinking coffee. Lots of coffee.