On The Eve Of 30

Tomorrow I turn 30.

30 doesn't exactly feel old, but it definitely doesn't feel young either.

I have this weird corn on the top of my foot that won't go away, no matter how much I lotion it. My hips ache. I have chronic back pain. I like to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I love cardigans. I read the news. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I adult... I get excited about things like standing mixers and throw pillows. I feel like the next decade is definitely knocking at the door.

And yet, as I stand on the threshold of 30, I feel compelled to pause and reflect. Where have the last 30 years brought me?

I always wanted to be a ballerina. I was pretty good at one time, too. Ballet institute, eat-sleep-breathe ballet, hard-core training good... not quite good enough though, and that has always made me just a little sad. I get an ache in the pit of my stomach when I watch dancers, imagining what my life would've looked like if I had been just a little better. 

I always wanted to be a mother, too. I am very thankful that of the two dreams, that's the one that came true. It's a lot harder than anyone tells you (and you probably wouldn't believe them if they did, anyway) - but somehow I feel like I was created to be a mom. I cannot believe that I have been entrusted with these two precious lives. I am afraid every day that I am going to completely screw them up. Loving them is a privilege, and one I don't take lightly.

Thankfully I've been lucky in love. I have a great partner in life, who loves and supports me, and I him. I am thankful that we found each other early on in life. We've spent a third of my life together now, which just sounds bizarre said out loud. He is my home and safe place. He makes me laugh. He makes me coffee. He brings home flowers. He doesn't sleep quite right if I'm not next to him. He is my love.

I've learned that friendships are dear. I've learned that it is the quality of the friendship that matters, not the quantity. Unfortunately I've also learned that friendships change, which I think is the hardest thing about them.

I have learned to listen more. I have learned that just because something is my reality, doesn't mean it is everyone's reality. 

In much younger years I gave pieces of my heart to people who didn't deserve them, and sometimes I wish I hadn't. I cringe at some of the things teenage-me did, and I am glad to never have to revisit those years again.

I learned that it's okay to be smart! I don't have to play dumb just so people will like me.

I have more fears than I wish I did, most of them have to do with losing the ones I love. 

I get stressed and anxious more than I'd like. I'm working on it, especially because I don't want it affecting my kids, but also because it's an exhausting way to live. Sometimes I wish I'd let loose a little more.

I feel things heavily. I love fiercely, have a strong sense of justice, and hope for the best. I also feel anger deeply, and betrayal cuts me down. I am not easily hurt, but when I am, I have a hard time recovering.

I've become much more introverted than I used to be. I watch people more, and am comfortable not being the center of attention.

By 30, I have learned what looks good on me, what compliments my body. I've more-or-less comes to terms with my body - this strong body that has carried and nourished two babies. This body offers love and comfort to those I care about the most.

I basically do my makeup the same I've always done it, I've just gotten a little better at it. Still don't know the secret to it not just disappearing by 2 pm, but I guess that's up to the next decade.

My soul is a little weary - I am troubled by the goings on in the world, and what the future holds. I wish people would listen to each other better, and give room for differing opinions and views. I wish there was less anger and hate.

I know the things I believe, and what I stand for. Every day I strive to put others before myself. I try to be kind to those around me. I try to show love and acceptance. I fail more than I'd like, but I am thankful for grace.

I love to laugh. I love to make others laugh. At this point, I feel like a Netflix special is in my future.

I have a voice, and I have things to say. At 30, I feel like I'm at a place where I can actually offer something to others.

I've gone from baking from a box to baking everything from scratch! There's the true highlight of the decade!

I like to be liked, but I've also learned that it's okay if not everyone likes me. I am not chocolate, I can't make everyone happy.

I have learned how much I love being woman. I love the sisterhood of women that have surrounded me at different pivotal times in my life. The women who have filled the roles of grandmother, aunt and sister. Women like Mary, Ica neni, Agi neni, Karmi, Lori, Sherry, Jackie, Johanna, Caysey, Katie, Angel, Mandy, Amy, Hannah, Katja, Eva... women who have enriched my life in more ways than they'll ever know.

I am thankful for books, and the adventures they've taken me on.

I am so glad that I am a teacher. Other than being a mom, it's the thing that fits me the most. I miss the everyday part of it, and look forward to that becoming a regular in my life again sometime.

I love beautiful things. Beautiful landscapes, buildings, pictures, colors, homes, food, words... I love how these things make me feel. I love making things around me beautiful. I love being a (literal) home maker; creating a peaceful and comfortable space for the ones I treasure most.

I love the Lord, He has been so good to me. Words can't begin to express the gratitude I feel, because without Him I would have none of the other things. In fact, even if I did have all the other things but not Him, I would have nothing. I love to rest in His presence.

And so, here we are - it's the eve of 30, and I am alone (a rare occurrence), thinking about all the things that make up "me", or at least have made up who I have been over these 30 years.

I am excited about what this new chapter holds, and curious to see what version of me will come out on the other side. Here's to 30!