On The Eve Of 30

Tomorrow I turn 30.

30 doesn't exactly feel old, but it definitely doesn't feel young either.

I have this weird corn on the top of my foot that won't go away, no matter how much I lotion it. My hips ache. I have chronic back pain. I like to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I love cardigans. I read the news. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I adult... I get excited about things like standing mixers and throw pillows. I feel like the next decade is definitely knocking at the door.

And yet, as I stand on the threshold of 30, I feel compelled to pause and reflect. Where have the last 30 years brought me?

I always wanted to be a ballerina. I was pretty good at one time, too. Ballet institute, eat-sleep-breathe ballet, hard-core training good... not quite good enough though, and that has always made me just a little sad. I get an ache in the pit of my stomach when I watch dancers, imagining what my life would've looked like if I had been just a little better. 

I always wanted to be a mother, too. I am very thankful that of the two dreams, that's the one that came true. It's a lot harder than anyone tells you (and you probably wouldn't believe them if they did, anyway) - but somehow I feel like I was created to be a mom. I cannot believe that I have been entrusted with these two precious lives. I am afraid every day that I am going to completely screw them up. Loving them is a privilege, and one I don't take lightly.

Thankfully I've been lucky in love. I have a great partner in life, who loves and supports me, and I him. I am thankful that we found each other early on in life. We've spent a third of my life together now, which just sounds bizarre said out loud. He is my home and safe place. He makes me laugh. He makes me coffee. He brings home flowers. He doesn't sleep quite right if I'm not next to him. He is my love.

I've learned that friendships are dear. I've learned that it is the quality of the friendship that matters, not the quantity. Unfortunately I've also learned that friendships change, which I think is the hardest thing about them.

I have learned to listen more. I have learned that just because something is my reality, doesn't mean it is everyone's reality. 

In much younger years I gave pieces of my heart to people who didn't deserve them, and sometimes I wish I hadn't. I cringe at some of the things teenage-me did, and I am glad to never have to revisit those years again.

I learned that it's okay to be smart! I don't have to play dumb just so people will like me.

I have more fears than I wish I did, most of them have to do with losing the ones I love. 

I get stressed and anxious more than I'd like. I'm working on it, especially because I don't want it affecting my kids, but also because it's an exhausting way to live. Sometimes I wish I'd let loose a little more.

I feel things heavily. I love fiercely, have a strong sense of justice, and hope for the best. I also feel anger deeply, and betrayal cuts me down. I am not easily hurt, but when I am, I have a hard time recovering.

I've become much more introverted than I used to be. I watch people more, and am comfortable not being the center of attention.

By 30, I have learned what looks good on me, what compliments my body. I've more-or-less comes to terms with my body - this strong body that has carried and nourished two babies. This body offers love and comfort to those I care about the most.

I basically do my makeup the same I've always done it, I've just gotten a little better at it. Still don't know the secret to it not just disappearing by 2 pm, but I guess that's up to the next decade.

My soul is a little weary - I am troubled by the goings on in the world, and what the future holds. I wish people would listen to each other better, and give room for differing opinions and views. I wish there was less anger and hate.

I know the things I believe, and what I stand for. Every day I strive to put others before myself. I try to be kind to those around me. I try to show love and acceptance. I fail more than I'd like, but I am thankful for grace.

I love to laugh. I love to make others laugh. At this point, I feel like a Netflix special is in my future.

I have a voice, and I have things to say. At 30, I feel like I'm at a place where I can actually offer something to others.

I've gone from baking from a box to baking everything from scratch! There's the true highlight of the decade!

I like to be liked, but I've also learned that it's okay if not everyone likes me. I am not chocolate, I can't make everyone happy.

I have learned how much I love being woman. I love the sisterhood of women that have surrounded me at different pivotal times in my life. The women who have filled the roles of grandmother, aunt and sister. Women like Mary, Ica neni, Agi neni, Karmi, Lori, Sherry, Jackie, Johanna, Caysey, Katie, Angel, Mandy, Amy, Hannah, Katja, Eva... women who have enriched my life in more ways than they'll ever know.

I am thankful for books, and the adventures they've taken me on.

I am so glad that I am a teacher. Other than being a mom, it's the thing that fits me the most. I miss the everyday part of it, and look forward to that becoming a regular in my life again sometime.

I love beautiful things. Beautiful landscapes, buildings, pictures, colors, homes, food, words... I love how these things make me feel. I love making things around me beautiful. I love being a (literal) home maker; creating a peaceful and comfortable space for the ones I treasure most.

I love the Lord, He has been so good to me. Words can't begin to express the gratitude I feel, because without Him I would have none of the other things. In fact, even if I did have all the other things but not Him, I would have nothing. I love to rest in His presence.

And so, here we are - it's the eve of 30, and I am alone (a rare occurrence), thinking about all the things that make up "me", or at least have made up who I have been over these 30 years.

I am excited about what this new chapter holds, and curious to see what version of me will come out on the other side. Here's to 30!

Honeybee Themed 1st Birthday Party

This past weekend we celebrated our littlest cutie's 1st "bee day"! I love planning any kind of party, especially one with a fun theme. For Aidan's birthday we went with "The Very Hungry Caterpillar", so I kind of wanted to go with another Eric Carle book for Jocie's party. I found one of his books called "The Honeybee and the Robber", and it was so cute! Slovenia is really into beekeeping, so it just seemed like the perfect choice.

Here are some snapshots from the sweet day:

Food/Treats:

- Danish Lagkage - I decorated the cake with peaches, nectarines, apricots, mangoes and blueberries. Then I added a few fondant flowers and candy bees. I made the cake in a smaller pan, so it made 4 layers. I used a round cookie cutter to cut out three smaller circles and made Jocie a mini version of the cake. It worked out perfectly!

- Sugar Cookies - I bought cookie cutters from Ann Clark. I used the beehive one for the cookies. I decorated them with royal icing, candy bees and flowers. If you plan on making these, I suggest watching a tutorial on youtube, it was a big help.

- Sandwiches - My mom helped by using a hexagon shaped cutter to cut out sandwiches. Then my dad cut bees out of bell peppers. It looked so adorable!

- Melon Flowers - We cut flowers out of melons, put them on kebab sticks, and topped them with blueberries. So cute!

- Oreos - my parents brought back these Oreos from the States that have yellow filling.

- Cereal - we had some flower shaped cereal (Honeycombs would work well too). Perfect for a party for babies!

- Food pouches - another great addition for a baby party!

- Lemonade - we added some of the cut up fruit left over from the cake to it.

Decor/Other stuff :):

- We used sunflowers and craspedia (billy balls) for flowers.

- We found the bee lights at IKEA.

- The banner is from Amazon.

- Jocie's super cute dress from her grandparents is from Mini Mioche.

Danish Lagkage - Light and Airy Berry Cake

I have shared a Danish lagkage recipe on my blog before, but the pictures weren't great, and my baking skills have grown exponentially since then, so I thought it was high time to share it again! :)

My husband lived in Denmark for a year before we met.  Once of his favorite things from when he lived there were the birthday cakes - lagkage - which literally translates to layer cake.

He loved it, because it was airy, light, not too sweet and of course tasty.

I've only ever made it for him, but I was hosting a baby shower a week ago, and it just felt like the perfect addition!

Tools:

- Stand or hand-held mixer (for stand mixer, it really helps to have two compatible mixing bowls)  I'm going to write my recipe for a stand mixer, because that's what I have. :)  

- whisk attachment

- paddle attachment 

- 9 inch round spring cake pan

- parchment paper

- covered cake stand, or other means to store it airtight

- non-stick spray

- ladle

Ingredients:

Cakes (makes 3 layers):

6 eggs - separated (if you're not sure how to do that, here's a great, quick tutorial)

4 1/2 tablespoons cold water

1 1/2 cup sugar

1 1/2 cup all-purpose flour

2 1/2 tablespoons cornstarch

2 tablespoons baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 teaspoon vanilla

*by the way, 1/2 tablespoon is 1 1/2 teaspoons

It really helps me to measure out everything beforehand.

Filling:

Homemade whipped cream (2 tbs sugar for every 1 cup of heavy whipping cream - I used about 3 cups of cream)

4 cups of fresh fruit (I used berries, but you could use any "soft" fruit

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 425 °F/ 218 °C (400 °F/ 204 °C for convection oven.)

2. Beat the egg yolks.

3. Pour beaten egg yolks, water, vanilla extract and sugar into mixing bowl.  Secure in stand mixer base.  Connect paddle attachment.  Mix for 2 minutes.

4. In a separate bowl mix together dry ingredients - flour, cornstarch, baking powder and salt. 

5. Turn mixer to a low-medium speed, and slowly add flour mixture.

6. Pour egg whites into second mixer-compatible bowl, fasten whisk attachment - and whisk until it forms stiff peaks.

7. Fold egg whites into egg yolk mixture, until completely combined.

8. Grease and flour cake pan.  Ladle out about 2 and a half "ladle's worth" (yes, that's an exact measurement, lol) of batter into the cake pan.  Shake, and hit side of pan until it distributes evenly in pan.

9. Place in oven, and bake for 8-10 minutes - until golden brown, and a toothpick inserted comes out clean.  If you find that it's getting brown on top, but not cooked through, place a piece if aluminum foil over the top.

10. Allow cake to cool some, then turn out onto baking sheet to completely cool.  Repeat twice.

Bonus tip: make sure you grease AND flour your pan.  Here is the difference between just greasing, and doing both.

 

11.  If making for that day, continue by making filling.  If making for the next day (it's great for that, by the way), place parchment paper between each layer, and store in an airtight container, to be assembled the next day.

Filling, and assembly:

1. Wash and pat dry your fruit.  I used raspberries, strawberries and blueberries. I cut the strawberries into slices.

2.  Using a whisk attachment, whip together cream and sugar, until peaks form.  Don't over whip, or it'll fall, and become unusable.  Sadly, I made that mistake with my first batch.  I read that using cold instruments (bowl and whisk), it works even better.

3. Start to assemble cake on the plate you plan to serve it on.  Start with a layer of cake, then add a generous amount of whipped cream (placing it it the middle of the cake, and working it out towards the edge).  Place some fruit on top of the whipped cream.  I made some fruit "stick out" a bit to give it a rustic look.  Leave the majority of the fruit for the top.

4.  Continue until you reach the top.  Mix together remaining fruit and carefully spoon onto the top.  Store in fridge or on cold balcony - lol, until ready to serve.  If there's any left over, keep it in the fridge for up to 2 days. The cake and fruit will get mushier, of course, the longer it sits, and it won't be as good.  But the next day it should still be pretty tasty.

And here is the final, beautiful result!

Tips and ideas:

1. I LOVE this batter!  It behaves beautifully - pulls away from the side of the pan, and stays flat on top, so there's no need to level it out for layering.  It is also light and delicious!  One of my more discerning friends said that it was one of the best cakes she'd ever had!

2. You could "frost" the edges too, but for this cake, I really prefer the "naked cake" look.  (Hilary Duff's wedding cake was the first naked cake I'd ever seen, and I've loved the look ever since!)

3. You can use anything you like between the layers - Nutella, jam, chocolate whipped cream! I initially was planning on making a raspberry whipped cream, but it fell, and I didn't have enough raspberries to make it again - which actually worked out, because I way preferred the crisp white cream look.

4. Get creative with the fruit!  You could do peaches, mango, papayas, blackberries... just make sure they're soft.

5. Powdered sugar or drizzled honey on top would be great, too!

And, so... let them eat cake!