Just A Mom

Never have I felt more like "just a mom" than this year.

With the lockdowns, and distance learning, no eating out, no playdates, and no going anywhere - it has just been a lot of mundane, and a lot of simply surviving.

I was feeling reflective, and looked back on some of the things I'd written about motherhood in the past, and came across another time I'd felt like "just a mom", and what I had written 5 years ago still rang true, so I thought I would share these thoughts with you in case you needed to read them, too.

Being a mom - especially a mom during a global pandemic - can feel like an invisible and thankless job. It can be hard to feel like others can relate to us, and so many things that are out there as resources for people don't apply to us. Sometimes, it can feel like that with the Bible too. It's full of prophets, kings, a queen or two, male disciples, soldiers... you get the picture. Most of the people we read about are men, and even when it IS a woman, her motherhood - or at least the minutia of her motherhood - isn't mentioned.

Or is it?

Today I want to tell you about 5 "invisible" moms in the Bible.  Some of them you've maybe thought of, others you probably haven't.  But, in each case, they were "simply" doing the mundane, everyday mom-duties. 

1. Making Meals - The Mom of the Boy With 2 Fish and 5 Loaves of Bread

You may be familiar with the story. It's in John 6.  Jesus is preaching to a multitude when the day gets long, and he tells the disciples to find the people something to eat.  Andrew, one of the disciples, tells Jesus there's this boy with 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread, which is obviously not enough for 5000+ people.  But Jesus blesses the food, and performs a miracle, where there is enough food for everyone, with 12 baskets to spare.

But, do you know why this miracle was even possible?  Because a mama packed her boy a lunch.  Due to her everyday act of love, Jesus was able to feed the multitude.  Sure, I assume had she not packed him a lunch, Jesus would've found another way - but he didn't.  Jesus used something that so many of us do day-in and day-out - feed our children; and showed it to be so much more.

From the moment we find out our babies are on their way, we worry about what is going into their body.  We take prenatal vitamins and try to eat right while we're pregnant.  We breastfeed, or try to find the very best formula money can buy.  As a working mom, I spent my lunch break, and resource break every day for a year holed up in a storage room, pumping that liquid gold.  Once my son moved on to solids, and went to preschool, he was fed a school lunch.  But yet, I got up every morning to make him a fresh fruit salad, so that incase he didn't like it, at least he had something good and nutritious to eat.  I make my kids "fancy snack". I try to make sure every meal they eat has each food group represented.  I get the cheese my daughter likes, and the veggies my son likes. We go to the "other" grocery store to get the yogurt they like. We do these things to keep them sustained, sure.  But it's more than that.  It's how we show our children that we love and care for them.

  

It feels like a basic thing, but Jesus took something so simple, and created a miracle from it. It matters to God - more than we know!

2. Laundry - Hannah, Samuel's Mother

I really love Hannah, and have written about her in the past.  But as I was revisiting her story this verse stood out to me: 1 Samuel 2:18 "In the midst of all this, Samuel, a boy dressed in a priestly linen tunic, served God. Additionally, every year his mother would make him a little robe cut to his size and bring it to him when she and her husband came for the annual sacrifice."

I had never really noticed this before.  I don't recall anywhere else in the Bible where someone sewing a robe made the final cut.  And yet here it is, and it's important enough to be mentioned as part of what molded his character.  In case you are not familiar, in 1 Samuel 1 Hannah is praying and crying in the Tabernacle for God to give her a baby.  She promises to give him to the Lord in return.  Eli the priest finds her, and initially thinks she's drunk, but then realizes what is going on, and tells her God has heard her prayer.  Hannah does in fact become pregnant, nurses and then weans her son (there's the feeding element is again, btw), and then brings him to the tabernacle.  She kept her promise, even though I'm sure it broke her heart.  And although she didn't see him every day, when she came to visit, she always brought him a robe "cut to his size". This indicates precision and forethought.  The wording is so precious.  Clothes and laundry.  Just another thing we moms do, in what seems like a never-ending cycle.  And yet, this act of nurturing was important enough to make it into God's word.  And, by the way, do you know what happened to Hannah in return?  God blessed she and her husband with more children.  Not that they could ever take Samuel's place.  But what a comfort it must've been to not find her arms empty again.  

3. Keeping the Tiny Humans Alive - Jochebed, Moses' Mother

Have you seen those mugs that say, "Today's To Do List: Keep the Tiny Humans Alive"?  I think it's hilarious, because I feel like I'm always saving my kids from themselves.  That's why people child-proof! When they bump their heads, we call the doctor.  When they are determined to jump off the furniture, we explain to them why that's NOT a great idea.  Or at least put a pillow in the landing zone. 

Well, Jochebed had to ACTUALLY keep her tiny human alive.  The Pharaoh was feeling threatened by the Jews, so he had all the baby boys killed (Exodus 1:22).  First she hid him, for 3 months!  (Imagine if he was colicky!) Then, she created an ingenious, waterproof basket, and placed him in the Nile. How her heart must've ached!  But Pharaoh's daughter found him, Moses' sister suggested a wet nurse she knew (their mother), and so Jochebed got to keep her son a little while longer.  Although not portrayed this way in stories like the Prince of Egypt, the language in the Bible suggests that Moses knew who she was, and kept in touch with his biological family - because his clever and loving mama wouldn't give up.

4. Hopes and Dreams - Bathsheba, Solomon's Mother

I've always had a soft spot for Bathsheba.  Yes, she and David had an affair, but I feel like, in that day and age, if the king decides he's going to sleep with you, and your husband is out of town and isn't there to kick his butt, there isn't much room to say no.  Anyway, they have an affair which results in a baby, who sadly dies. (2 Samuel 11-12) Later, David and Bathsheba have another baby - Solomon.  As David is getting old, one of his other sons, Adonijah crowns himself king without his father's blessing or anointing.  Nathan the prophet convinces Bathsheba to go to David, and remind him of his promise to have Solomon as his successor.  So Bathsheba goes before David to plead her son's case. In the end David names Solomon his heir, and Nathan anoints him.  

Somehow, I missed this part of the story, until working on this piece.  It wasn't like nowadays, where you have a family meeting.  Remember how risky it was for Esther to go before the king?  Judging by the tone in this passage (1 King 1), it would seem that we are dealing with a very similar situation.  So, Bathsheba risked it all to make sure that her son got what was rightfully his, and God's plan for his life. 

How many times as mamas do we set our own needs or comforts aside for our kids' dreams?  The countless hours sitting at practice, or late nights studying for tests?  Or pursuing recommendations, proof-reading essays?  

Moms have been doing it since the beginning of time.  And God thought it was important enough to highlight in the story of Bathsheba fighting for her son.

5. Patience and Active Parenting - Mary, Jesus' Mother

Okay, so this mama is definitely not invisible.  But today I want to focus on her parenting, specifically.  Remember the story, of when young Jesus stays behind in Jerusalem, and his parents don't know where he is?  When they finally find him, this is what goes down: (Luke 2:48) "And his mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us so? Behold, your father and I have been searching for you in great distress.” And he said to them, “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?” And they did not understand the saying that he spoke to them. And he went down with them and came to Nazareth and was submissive to them. And his mother treasured up all these things in her heart."

I always loved that last sentence, it's very poetic.  First off, I'm impressed that it says that she "said" to him.  Had it been me, it would've said she "screeched" at him.  That's the patient part.  So, this is the correction portion.  She doesn't just say, "Oh yay, we found you!"  No, she tells him that he caused his parents great distress.  Jesus responds (which I used to take as Jesus talking back, but I don't think that was the case) saying he was in his Father's house.  They take him home, and it says he was "submissive" to them.  I mean, yeah, he was Jesus, but still.  I think that part is important.  

He was obedient to them, which implies there was something to be obedient ABOUT.  This means there were rules and expectations in their household.  This shows active parenting and involvement on Mary's part. And then that last sentence: his mother treasured up all these things in her heart. This shows that her heart was tuned towards him, which I love.

So, sweet mama plugging through your everyday routine, thinking it doesn't matter, no one cares or notices.  Stories like these in the Bible are made possible because of mothers just like you.  Because of mothers' daily devotion and sacrifice.

So keep on keeping on.  God is noticing, and it matters to Him.  In each of these stories, the common denominator, is that God didn't forget about these mothers, and He hasn't forgotten about you, either.  So, happy Mother's Day! Especially on those days you feel like "just a mom", because every little thing you do matters. To those tiny humans surrounding you, and also to God.

Trying To Let My Kids "Become"

I've started listening to the audiobook version of Michelle Obama's autobiography, Becoming. One of the things that has struck me so far, was Michelle's description of her mother's parenting style. She remarks that even as she would complain to her mother about teachers, friends, school or what-have-you, that her mother would never indulge her in her whining, but would rather listen, and occasionally say things like, "I see" or "oh my" - indicating to her daughter that she was listening, that she had her full attention, but was also allowing Michelle to make her own way, to develop her own thoughts on things, rather than just regurgitating her mother's opinions.

This is kind of new to me, and I love it.

I've always tried to instill curiosity and independent thinking in my son. He has a very scientific way of looking at things, enjoys figuring things out and asks lots of very good questions - questions I often answer with a another question. I am by no means a perfect parent, but I do think I have some good instincts. That, coupled with early childhood education training means that I am frequently looking at parenting situations, attempting to analyze what is being learned, what new skills Aidan is picking up, what he isn't quite getting yet, and what opinions he is making for himself.

Of course, he is at the age where most of what he thinks about things is what I think about things. Aidan is also one of those kids who is always trying to please the adults around him - especially me. I've noticed he has some anxiety, especially when he thinks I won't like something. For example, I picked out an outfit for him the other day. It was the shirt that he had gotten from "pirate" camp, because it was Talk Like A Pirate Day. He wanted to wear a different shirt, which I didn't know. He put on the pirate one, but came out of his room softly crying. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he didn't want to wear the pirate shirt, but didn't want to ruin Pirate Day, and he didn't want me to be upset. 

I felt terrible that he was so upset about something that was not a big deal, and that he thought I would be angry over a silly shirt.

He is his own person, and I need to recalibrate how I do things, so that he doesn't feel like I am just making him an extension of myself, but rather giving him the space to become his own person.

In addition to all of that, I am a mother of two now, and each child is different. This is something I am learning the hard way. 

My daughter is what they call a high needs baby. She was colicky for a long time, and still has difficulty in the evenings. She spends most meals sitting in her high chair crying and screaming. She is very frustrated by... well... life. She wants to be able to do everything, she gets into everything (this morning it was a bag of flour, last week it was mascara), she screams when she doesn't get her way, and she is ALWAYS on the move. Always has been. She has been teething since she was 4 months old, but only finally got her first tooth at Christmas - when she was 15 months old! That makes for one very grumpy baby.

I am sorry to say that I had very specific expectations for what having a little girl would look like - and so far it's been basically the opposite. More and more, I am learning to let go of my expectations, and let my baby... become.

If she is going to be rough-and-tumble - I need to make sure she has knee pads.

If she is going to have strong opinions on everything - I need to teach her how to form those opinions and stand up for them.

If she is going to be hard to settle - I need to learn what it is that comforts her.

If she is going to feel things deeply - I need to help her learn how to express those emotions in healthy ways.

This is a simplistic story, but one that kind of sums up what I mean:

I've been thinking about Jocie's 2nd birthday party theme, and planning a swan themed party in my mind (and on Pinterest), when the other day I looked at her and told her, "you're more of a llama girl than a swan girl, aren't you baby?" Llamas - they're fun and colorful, a little loud and spit sometimes. And yet, everyone loves them!

I am learning that it is not my job to tell my kids who they are meant to be. It is my job to support them in who they are meant to become. To help them find the tools to achieve their goals and dreams. To be "into" whatever they're interested in. (For the record, I know WAY more about dinosaurs than you'd think!)

This takes a conscious effort on my part. I have to make sure that I am not smothering or stifling my kids with my expectations.

This of course does not mean that I have NO expectations - there are chores, involvement in sports, learning an instrument, being respectful and kind... BUT I am trying to ask more questions and listen even more. I am trying to see my kids as separate individuals.

Every evening at bed time I speak words of affirmation over them. Things like, "You are strong. You have such a big heart. You are such a good friend. I love how you are kind to your sister. You are so brave. I love how you were helpful and showed Jesus to your friend." These are the things I hope to see reflected in them as they grow up. Beyond that... I'm trying to give them an open range. 

I will be here to love, support, research, learn new things along with them, hear their view on situations, and try not to take it personally when they think things different from me. My kids are not made in my image. I don't want them to feel like unless they metaphorically look like me, that I won't be happy with their choices.

So, if you need me, I'll be over here looking up science experiments for kids, reading LEGO manuals, researching anger management for toddlers, not pushing "pink", planning a llama-licious birthday party and drinking coffee. Lots of coffee.

When the Cracks Start To Show

I can see this building from my apartment. It's a pretty nondescript building. On most days it just kind of blends in with the surroundings - apartment buildings on one side, a church and cemetery on the other.

But then it rains.

The building becomes patchy, showing all the different, half-thought-through paint jobs. Places where it's maybe had a little work done, places it still needs some, and places where water is clearly seeping in through the walls. 

The building is a mess.

But you wouldn't know it on a sunny day. Rain brings out the building's true character. The rain isn't what caused the (initial) damage. It was there all along - the rain only made it more visible... and caused more destruction.

When life's rainstorms come - that is when who we really are comes to the front. It's easy to look happy and content when the sun is out and the birds are singing. It's easy to be creative at work when everything is great at home. It's easy to stay patient with the kiddos when no one is sick, everyone is getting full nights of sleep, and money isn't a concern. It's easy to go about your day when you're healthy and happy. It's easy to be involved in people's lives around you when you feel fulfilled in your personal life. It's easy to act okay (even if you're not) when - to those around us - everything seems to be going well.

But when things aren't going our way, or tragedy strikes - that's when who we really are on the inside comes to the forefront. It's easy to botch a project at work when you and your spouse are arguing. It's easy to snap and yell at your kids when you're sleep deprived, the kids have the flu, and you just got a credit card bill in the mail. It's easy to get discouraged when you're overwhelmed and exhausted. It's easy to shut people out of your life when it feels like too much of an effort. 

The cracks... they start to show when the rain begins to fall. 

So what do we do? Because the rain is going to come, whether we like it or not. Do we find a giant umbrella? Do we cover ourselves up in scaffolding? Do we hang a "condemned" sign out on the front door?

No. We put the work in to fix the cracks. We use the time when it's not raining to fill in any gaps, rebuild walls, hire professionals if we don't know how to do it ourselves (go see a doctor, talk to a therapist, take a class, join a gym, get your nails done), fix any leaks, and admit that you're "under construction".

 We all have things in our lives that make the "rainy season" hard. That may be anxiety, a heath concern, friction at work, stress at home, or financial troubles; and if we don't deal with these things, they begin to define our character. They leech into how we feel about ourselves, how we treat others, how we relate to God and the world around us.

Thankfully, the answers don't lie within ourselves.  Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Psalm 46:1-3 says, "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging." 
Contrary to common misconception, nowhere in the Bible does it say "God won't give you more than you can handle." There are plenty of times where God gives us more than we can handle. In fact, we are supposed to get to a point where we realize that we can't handle it. We were never meant to handle it. We were meant to give it over to God. God is the one who is there to carry those things that just feel to heavy and like they are going to crack our foundation. That is why we are called to build our "house"/our lives, on the rock.

Matthew 7 tells us the story of two men; one wise man who built his house on the rock, the other a foolish man who built his house upon the sand. When the rains and floods came, the one that was built on the rock stood firm, while the one built on the sand collapsed. We are called to be like the wise man, with his foundation on the rock. It is not because of the builder that the house didn't fall, it was because of the strong foundation - Christ.

We are living in a very self-satisfying and self-centered society. There are "Christian" self-help books that barely mention God, let alone leaning on Him rather than our own understanding (girl, your face is washed, move on). If we build all of our hopes and dreams on ourselves... who is there to turn to when the cracks start to form, and it all starts to fall apart?

We all have cracks, bruises and stains. But unless we deal with them, they become real problems that eventual shape and form our character. 

There is a loving and gentle God, who doesn't look at your imperfections as justification to bulldoze you. He takes the hurt and overwhelming feelings, uses them as part of your story, and helps you to become whole again. So, when the cracks start to show, and you can smell the rain in the air, know that you are not alone.

Momming On the Edge...

... of sanity, that is!

Dan has traveled a lot this summer. Like, a lot a lot.

Which leaves me home alone with the kids. Alone. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. It wouldn't be so bad, except our youngest is kind of a handful, especially in the late afternoons and evenings - which happens to be the same time our oldest is also home. (He's at his kindergarten's summer program during the day.) She still isn't consistently sleeping through the night (although it's much better than it was). She cries a lot. She's really needy. And then there's the 5-year-old, who is great, but also... you know, a 5-year-old. There are meals to prepare, clothes to wash, the apartment to clean, kids to keep alive, all while not completely losing it. There are bodily fluids and smeared snacks all over the place it seems. There's crying - and not just from the kids. There are missed showers and crack-mom ponytails. 

My parents are not nearby this summer, and all of my friends here are also mommies of small kids, and facing the same struggles I am.

This has left me feeling pretty lonely and overwhelmed at times this summer. 

And yet, we're surviving.

So, here are my 5 "Momming on The Edge" tips, if you find yourself in a similar situation.

1. Multi-tasking

When my 11 month-old has made a complete mess of herself and the highchair, I stick them both in the shower. Together. I hose down the highchair, plop her out, bathe her, badda-bing, badda-boom, they're both clean. She gets a kick out of it, it's quicker than getting out her baby bath, and the high chair is ready for the next day, too. I'm calling this a win!

2. Easy Meals

I cook. I cook well. My husband cooks better, and does most of the cooking. So when he is out of town, I try to make it as easy on myself as possible. Here are some of my go-to meals, feel free to steal them - 1) spaghetti (enough for leftovers), 2) thicken up some of the remaining sauce (that's in the jar, not made into Bolognese) with some tomato paste, buy toppings and cheese and a pre-made pizza dough - pizza night!!! 3) boneless/skinless chicken breasts and a Patak's simmer sauce - butter or peanut chicken! 4) My kid prefers raw veggies to cooked - score!!! Wash, chop, serve, done! 5) Hot dogs. Done and done. 6) since my son gets a multi-course, nutritional meal at kindergarten, some nights we just have sandwiches - and you know what? He loves it. No need to make it harder than it needs to be.

3. Go Out Or Stay In

Whichever is easier. Don't feel pressure to do something every day, unless that's what you want to do, and it's easier for you. For us, some days it's easier to head into the center, and let the baby take a nap in the stroller, and hope I can get a hot coffee in before she wakes up. Other days I binge watch on Netflix. It's called balance, and I'm here for it.

4. It's Okay To Admit Defeat

One of the Saturdays I was alone, I headed into the city center with the kids. I had grand ideas for the day that included a playground, fun lunch, and adorable "I can do this" selfies. Jocie wouldn't fall asleep as I planned, but I sat down at a cafe for a coffee anyway. Aidan was on a fish statue/jungle gym thingy right next to me. Jocie was screaming at me for a snack, and Aidan was asking if he could have an ice cream, and I was so overwhelmed, I knocked my coffee into my lap, after only getting one sip. (see first picture) I let Aidan get his ice cream, paid for everything, got up, and scrapped the plans I had for the rest of the day. I looked at Aidan and said, "I am wet, uncomfortable and embarrassed. We're gonna head home now." So, we bought sandwiches, went home, changed into jammies (it was like 11 am), watched TV and called it a day. But the kids were alive, they were fed, and actually pretty excited to just hang out at home. So... yeah. Sometimes you just have to admit defeat, and be okay with it.

5. Loosen Up With the Rules

We're kind of sticklers about bedtime. But when it's just me, and I'm trying to get the baby to sleep, I'm not getting hung up on what time Aidan goes to bed. It's never later than 8:30 anyway, and it's summer, so... I'm giving myself a break on that one. He wants a snack, even though he just ate? Fine, whatever, here's some pop corn. Jocie doesn't want to lay down long enough for a diaper change AND clothes? Fine, chill in a diaper. It's hot anyway. You want a donut after school? You promise not to whine about taking a shower if I get you one? Super, the donut's all yours.

This obviously does not reflect our normal, everyday routine. But, in an effort to all be alive and well when Dan gets home, these are some of the coping skills we've picked up.

The point is, if you're at a place in your life where getting by and surviving equals winning, stop beating yourself up about it. Today, after we got Aidan a donut after school, he said "this is the best day ever"! It's clearly not "the best day ever", but to his mind it is, because mommy was happy, and he had icing dripping off his fingers.

So, if you find yourself "momming on the edge" today, know you're not alone, and this too shall pass.

"...And Spouse"

"Coffee lounge for youth pastors and their wives."

The next year:

"Coffee lounge for youth pastors and their spouses."

"This morning we have missionary Dan and his family with us."

"Dan and his wife are here with us this morning."

Pastor: "Do you play the piano?"

Me: "Yes, I do."

Pastor: "Well then, you're a blessing to your husband!"

On a Facebook post:

"Taking the missionary wives to lunch today!"

On a seating arrangement at a missions convention:

"Missionary and spouse."

"... and spouse."

For much of my married life, I have been "and spouse".  I joke about it some, especially with other "and spouses", or with Dan. But it can get pretty discouraging. 

Sometimes I feel like a two-for-one special.  While Dan was a youth pastor, it didn't really bother me as much.  Dan was the one on staff at churches, and I had a full-time outside job.  (Sometimes 2 or 3.) When there was a mid-day staff meeting, and I was (inexplicably) expected to attend (remember - not on staff, and full-time job as a Kindergarten teacher), I resigned myself to the role of "and spouse".  Even though I was there for every service, every practice, went on every trip... I was not the pastor, and therefore was okay with my status.  There is no other job in the world, where the spouse is expected to devote as much time and effort as the one holding the position.  You don't see lawyers' husbands volunteering at their firms, or plumbers' wives tagging along on house calls.  It would be pretty weird if an accountant's wife sat in on every meeting he had with a client, or if husbands stopped by to bag groceries for their cashier wives.  We expect spouses in ministry to be ever-present, but then don't offer the associated acknowledgements.

Now that we are missionaries, I find the attitude towards my role much the same. The difference is that this time I don't have another job, this actually IS my job - and yet much of the time I feel like an add-on.  The difficult part is, that I even attach myself to my husband sometimes - because the "and spouse" role is one I've become used to.

Add to that, the fact that on paper my husband is the missionary - even though our leadership does work hard to make me feel like an equal - it can leave me feeling unimportant.

Once, we were shooting a quick video.  Dan was recording me on his phone. I started with, "Hi, we're Dan and Abigail, missionaries to Slovenia..." Dan stopped the recording and said, "Honey, you're the only one in the video, just use your name."

It made me pause.  I realized, that in all this time I had never used just my name, or the term, "I" when referring to our/my ministry.

I think women in general are more prone to refer to themselves in plural - meaning them and their husband, or them and the children...

"We are missionaries."

"We love Slovenia."

"We are following God's call on our lives."

It almost feels selfish to refer to just myself - isn't that crazy?

I think this is a uniquely female dilemma.  We give so much of ourselves to our husband, children, ministry, work... that we forget that we are our own person.  We are not just "and spouse", or "so-and-so's mommy". 

I know that what I do is important.  But a lot of the time, it is a support role to Dan.  I stay home oftentimes, so that he can go.  On Saturday Dan texted me pictures of him with a pastor, and the team that is visiting doing all sorts of things - just to check in, and let me know how things were going.  

I sent him a picture of the one kid showering, while I bathed the other.

But you know what?  I make what he does possible.  If I were not holding down the fort, there wouldn't be a fort to come home to.  If the kids weren't fed and bathed, child services would step in.  And to to be fair, Dan does that stuff when I have things going on.  But realistically, it does fall to me.  

Also, I have plenty of things/ministry that I do that have nothing to do with what he is doing.  They just aren't usually the "headliners" in the newsletters (that I write), or the things that people think of, when they hear "missions".

But God doesn't see me as an attachment, or an appendage.  Jeremiah 1:5 says 
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
    before you were born I set you apart;
    I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

God knew me, as just me, before any of the other people were in my life.  He sees beyond any title, status or role. God thinks I am unique, simply because he made me that way.  So, today I am affirming: 

I am not only "...and spouse".

I am a missionary.

I am a friend.

I am creative.

I work hard.

I am resourceful.

I make an impact.

I am not only a "relation" to everyone around me.

I am learning a new language, and trying really hard at it.

I find solutions.

I am a peacemaker.

I am me.

I am loved by God.

How Living Cross-Culturally Made Me A Better Mom

I feel like it's important to be vulnerable - it allows us to grow, and hopefully help others in their growing process, too.  

So, here goes:

One of the hardest things about being a missionary is the itineration portion.  For us, that means going back to the States every few years, to travel to churches, telling them what we do, or what we have been doing, in the hopes that they will partner with us in prayer and financial support.

3 years ago when we were doing this, it was our first time "heading out".  Pastors didn't know us yet, we didn't have an established ministry in Slovenia we were going to - all we had was ourselves, and our testimony.

Every Sunday (and most Wednesdays) we met new people, told them about ourselves, and hoped they liked us.  That seems very basic, but it's true.  If people/churches/pastors like you, they are more likely to support you.  You have to be "on" the entire time.  You have to be chatty, engaging, and most importantly...

your children need to be well-behaved.

Can you imagine (totally hypothetically, of course), if a pastor took out two families with kids to lunch - the kids in one family are polite, talkative, cute and eat all their lunch.  The kids in the other family are tired, grumpy, shy and only want to eat goldfish.  Let's say this pastor now has to choose one family to financially support... you get the picture.

That is a LOT of pressure to put on small children - and their mom. Because it's usually mom who has to corral kids, encourage them to take one more bite, greet the pastor, and smile at all the strangers.  

And when it comes down to it, whether or not someone "connects" with you, makes or breaks your ability to get to the field - oof.

This causes stress.  HUGE amounts of stress.  You're constantly trying to make sure your poor little 2-year-old remembers to say thank you, doesn't hit the pastor's kid in the nursery, is polite and courteous, while also trying to protect them if they are feeling shy and timid.

When we got to Slovenia, it had been nearly 2 years of parenting in a fish bowl.  It left me tired, stressed and overwhelmed.

On top of that, we were dealing with a situation that was completely out of our control, that was causing great anxiety.  Added to all of that was a very angry 3-year-old, and potty training regression.  For the first couple months in Slovenia, Aidan was just very angry about all the change and newness.  He had always been very verbal, and was struggling with the fact that no one understood him.  I was on edge, worried about how we would be received, his inability to communicate, and his overall behavior.  He was doing okay at school, but his teachers said that every time he got upset, he would simply scream.  He wasn't being very nice to the kids at church, and I was frustrated on every level I could think of.  I was very impatient.  I was a mess.

There was an incident at church, where I came across as overly concerned with his behavior, to which someone said - "it's okay, they're just kids.  We all understand."  And that awakened a change in me.

Slovenes parent differently.  No parenting method is perfect, but I have adopted a few new habits that have been very healthy for our family, and I'd like to share them with you.

1. Kids are kids

No one that I've met here expects children to act any way, except how children behave - loud, goofy, energetic, etc.  No one is phased by crying in church, or a toddler having a "moment".  I've never seen a parent give another parent side-eye.  If two kids get into it, there is a general understanding that they will work it out.  There never seems to be ill-will between the parents.  It is understood that parents cannot control every little thing kids do. 

2. Let Them Do It For Themselves

We "got in trouble" with Aidan's preschool teachers, because we had been doing too many things for him.  I realized that it was my way of controlling a situation.  Making sure he always looked just so, or getting out of the house quickly.  Slovene parents are encouraged to take a step back, and let their children figure it out and be independent.  Oftentimes you'll see kids walking way out ahead of their parents.  Coming from the land of "hold my hand or else you never know what might happen", this was a huge shock - and a release.

3. "Village" Mentality

Everyone looks out for each other's kids.  

4. Some Things You Just Have To Let Go Of

I feel like Slovene parents in general are good at learning to choose their battles.  This was an important lesson for me.  I cannot get bogged down on every little thing - it is stealing my joy.

So.  I have slowly, over the past year come more to terms with the fact that some behavior isn't bad - it's just being a kid.  And that is okay.  We still address behavior that is disrespectful or dangerous of course, but try to be more understanding and lenient if it's just rowdy or noisy.  He adores his kindergarten! According to his teachers, he is now practically fluent in Slovene.  He has many friends, and hates missing a day.  He also loves church and his friends there.

I have been hearing and reading a lot about being a non-anxious presence.  Before, I was not that.  I was NOT teaching Aidan healthy coping skills by getting angry quickly, and then frustrated when he did the same.  I am SOOOO much more patient than I was!  It's a marked difference.  I am learning to let things go, not be such a perfectionist, and answer from a place of understanding and love.

Aidan can tell the difference, too.  When he makes a mess, knocks things over, or spills something, he looks at my face to see my reaction.  When he sees that I'm still calm, or hears me say, "that's okay, accidents happen", it immediately alleviates his stress too, and he's able to move forward. 

I am sorry for the times that that hasn't been my response.  I am thankful that he and I are in a much healthier place.  There is more joy in our home, tempers don't run high, and there is understanding.

With the birth of our daughter, thankfully this has only grown.  I'm not sure how, but somehow I've had more patience since she was born.  Maybe I'm learning that some things I thought were important weren't really that important after all.  I think I'm learning to let things go.

So, this is a very long post, with not much except a personal journey, but it's been an important one.

I am endlessly thankful for the reset button I found, and the child-friendly culture we live in.